Addressing Safety Needs Through Stress Management
Second Installment of my Hierarchy of ADHD Needs Series
Living well with ADHD means identifying and honoring personal needs. Unfortunately, ADHD makes it difficult to identify and also to attend to needs in a proactive fashion. According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, safety needs enter the picture right after basic physiological needs like shelter, food and water. Addressing safety needs while living with ADHD means addressing important areas of security, specifically those in the emotional and financial realm. As we consider safety and security with regards to living with ADHD we have to consider the role of stress.
Fellow ADHD coach Jennifer Koretsky once said “stress management = ADHD management”.
At first I didn’t get it because I didn’t see the connection between stress and my ADHD. Like many others with ADHD, I was a master tactician when it came to using stressors to get things done, using the pressure of an impending consequence or deadline to get the credit card paid just in time or to finish a paper just under the wire. And also like others with ADHD, I was unaware of this connection. ADHD impacts our ability to connect cause and effect and I could not clearly see the amount of stress that was accumulating with this crisis-management approach to life. When you live ‘in the drama’ it is hard to see the impact of that drama on yourself and the world around you. I began to notice the toll this approach had taken on me and those in my immediate circle.
According to Maslow we humans have a ‘natural desire for a predictable, orderly world that is somewhat in our control’. Living from crisis to crisis creates a mounting stress load that becomes unsustainable and directly affects our ability to create a sense of security and control. Our limbic system, the emotional center of the brain, takes the brunt of this load and needs an occasional break. There is a complex relationship between ADHD and stress. Stress can heighten ADHD symptoms which in turn can cause more stress.
Creating Safety
Focus on developing proactive management plans in the areas of emotional and financial security since these are particularly vulnerable for people with ADHD.
Emotional Security
Because we can (but not always) struggle with low self esteem we can be vulnerable to emotional turmoil from two distinct sources, externally from those around us and internally from ourselves. Because of our limited concept of self, we will feel lucky to have anyone love or care about us. Not seeing ourselves as equal partners we open ourselves to dominating personalities. Recently, Stephanie Sarkis has written about how individuals with ADHD are vulnerable to gaslighting. Boundary management is a related challenge area for those with ADHD.
You can start to protect yourself by taking a stand and reinforcing boundaries rather than isolating yourself and shutting down. Do the psychological work that needs to be done (with a professional if need be), and identifying people in your life who respect you for who you are. In part this has to do with accepting your own unique brain wiring and the way you operate in the world. The phrase I like is ‘upgrading your community’.
Financial Security
Nothing is more foreign to the ADHD brain than the intense detail and minutia steps of managing money and wealth. Being sure that there is enough money to cover the monthly costs - and remembering to pay those costs keeps many people with ADHD living from monthly paycheck to paycheck. I do know people with ADHD who are financial geniuses because of a high level of skill and interest. For the rest of us managing money can be an exercise in futility. Predatory practices by financial institutions like late fees and overdraft fees can make it very difficult to dig out of a hole once dug and incur a cycle of monthly stress and an overarching question of “Will I have enough to cover my expenses?”
I had a client that could not for the life of him break out of the late fee cycle from his bank. This became too much of his life - the stress of the wicked cycle of the late fee triggering an overdraft and then a further overdraft fee and the cycle would escalate. Eventually, with much effort and attention, he got out of this negative cycle and started to develop a practice of saving. As he created more financial security he noticed that the stress associated with money receded.
Stress management is a practice in identifying those repetitive items that create stress and to hatch a plan to address these stressors head on. Common ADHD challenges like avoidance and procrastination can be overcome with consistent awareness and practice. You can create a sense of security and safety in these challenge areas.
Interestingly there is a new line of thought around the benefits of stress and a different approach that involves developing a healthy relationship with it. Learning more about stress itself can actually help with stress management.